Wayne. You can get through it, no matter what happens. You must keep your mental and physical health. Somehow you must look after yourself.

I finally went to my doctor's last November, said I was under a lot of pressure, very depressed. Can't do anything, just sit and stare, can't count money for change order, can't cash up. Not sleeping, panic attacks, unbelieveable night sweats. I mean having to get up and dry off and then lie with a towel beneath and one above because the bedclothes were so wet... every night. God knows what my girflriend thought, although she's used to me being odd when I'm stressed over the pub. Terrors, thinking of killing myself. Life flash backs, massive negative thoughts about everything I;ve ever done. Doctor asked me to do a behavioural analysis multi choice questionnaire. I scored 23 out of 27.

He said 'that's pretty bad'.

This is what happened: it wasn't easy but it had to be done because if it hadn't, I would have done something really bad. A lot has happened in three months.

I've been taking serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors, they are psychotropic anti depressants and affect the chemical balance in your brain, took sleeping tablets for a couple of weeks initially, effervescent multi vitamin and cod liver oil (very cheap at lidl) exercise for ten to twenty minutes five mornings a week - just jogging on the spot and press ups and stuff like that - Canadian Air Force they are. And eat a big bowl of fruit muesli with milk and greek style yogurt - I leave the milk to soak in and often add soft fruit like blueberries (all this from lidl mind - it's really good value and nice too). I had stopped drinking by the time I got to the doctor because even one glass of wine was making me feel suicidal. Then I was getting a bad chest - a little cough that wouldn't go away, and a friend's dad died of COPD at the beginning of December. So I stopped smoking as well just after the doctor visit. And the doctor referred me for six weeks' Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

After two weeks I was feeling a lot better - that was because of improved sleeping with the tablets. After about a month I was not panicking daily. Still sweating at night though. I;ve been beginning to feel like the 'me' I remember from over ten years ago - the 'me' before I set up the pub. The 'me' before all the bullying and stress.

Then the threapy sessions happened which were for me, brilliant. I'm very lucky my gp surgery is like this all nhs.

You will get through it Wayne even though it's hell right now. I really hope you do.