Friday, June 29, 2012

Enterprise Inns opens first Classic Carveries site

Read the article here

These pile me high carvery places are vile, always have been always will be and Enterprise in their usual, blindingly rapier speed like way have got into the 'carvery concept' what, twenty years too late? In response to the article on MA I posted this:

'Empty of imagination, innovation, quality or class' and Patrick Toomey came back with:

"Why's that Mark? Do you know the pub? Do you know the operator? Do you know the terms of the deal? Or is this the chip speaking?"

Last things first. I haven't got a chip at all. In fact I congratulate the tied pub sector for sucking me in, mangling me and chucking me out, drained, squeezed, limp and sore. It's toughened me up, brought me out of civilisation into the real world of Private Equity Filth that's all around us. And I'm doing something about it.

So. NO, actually Patrick, I don't need to know anything about the pub, where it is, who its 'operator' is, the terms of the 'deal' or anything else about it at all - all it takes to give a spot on accurate assessment of this awful 'pub' shambles is skim through the article, note vacuous phrases and see what the empty headed suit has to say about TuppenInns alliterative 'Classic Carvery Concept' to understand they're too lazy, too stupid and lacking in mental agility to even want to be the slightest bit original with anything. Originality to them is The Danger Zone. They want safe safe safe tried and tested safe and cheap cheap cheap - it's the only thing they understand.

IF I were nearer to wherever it is I'd go in just to try and prove myself wrong. But there's no point because I'm right. Anyway David Morgan went in there and he's a good friend and he confirms how devoid of anything of real 'value' this shallow rubbish provides. This sort of catering is utter, intellectually, philosophically, morally bankrupt and purposeless CRAP. It is part of a malaise, a national, very British sickness which is inspired by the worst of corporate United States of America. It's the Private Equity disease which has been underpinning the death of the pub industry for the last thirty years. Sorry for prattling on. Let's look at some of those words in the article, which Patrick Toomey seems to think describes some kind of interesting development in the pub sector, in a little more detail:

"Classic Carvery" ... "under the scheme that sees the company take firmer control of the retail offer". "RETAIL OFFER"? At "£3.89 for adults and £3.49 for children" ... WHAT on earth are they on about? AND with free ice cream ... "opened under the value carvery concept" ? WHAT kind of 'value' are they on about here? This is not 'value' - what they mean is heaps of poorly prepared rubbish ingredients, piled very high and sold cheap. DIRT CHEAP.

There's a link in the piece to an article about "Project Beacon" - anyone bothered to read it? - Project Beacon has "helped to develop our thinking beyond the traditional leased and tenanted proposition.” What does that mean? Someone else already said this above. It means "We get people to pay us to take on the lease, the building and the staff, then they run the place and pay themselves - and us of course - for the privilege being allowed to be self employed and never earn a living wage.

Dear GOD can you imagine the outcomes of this? I cannot find words. Those people at Enterprise are utter FOOLS! Just look what they've done to pubs all over the UK! This 'Project Beacon' is putting the lunatics - who've already smashed the bus into the asylum - in charge of the rebuild. What's the opposite of 'phoenix rising'? Because that's what this is ...

"A “help yourself” English breakfast offer featuring bottomless tea or coffee" it doesn't go very far in explaining what this is but you just KNOW it involves crinkly transparent pink white and yellow bacon floating in tepid grease and water, rubber fried eggs and grey mushrooms with those (quite nice actually) crispy triangular hash browns and hard cold insipid looking, completely flavourless hard tomatoes, pale orange with black bits from the char grill. There is nothing 'English', apart from how awful it is, about it at all - and the coffee or tea will be weak, thin, nasty badly made by people who haven't a clue about how to set up the machines and there will be piles of damp teabags, screwed up sugar wrappers and sticky teaspoons strewn along the counter top amid thickening air drying puddles of coffee and sprinkles of granulated low cal sweeteners.

“Beacon-plus-a-bit-more” ... “We’ve done a similar thing in the north west with a sports pub.” We can imagine all that too eh? What next? Oh yes. Of course.

The "Blazing Grill" concept -

They'll have got all excited when they registered the name and thought "bloody hell we're REALLY lucky aren't we - can't IMAGINE why no one's ever thought of registering that name, it's just BWILLIANT" -

In the end being 'right' in the Enterprise context is simply about making money. HOW the money is made is irrelevant. Money is the answer to everything. These fools are not fools as far as many benchmarks go - and they are proud to be fools because they make money out of very bad, poor quality ideas - ideas which are other people's.

"Bloody Idiots".

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