I just came into some money: http://www.flickr.com/photos/markdodds/3341229130/ which has set me up in a position to be able to buy every pubco in Britain and still leave me with a lot of change. Once I have bought all that, paid off the bondholders and shareholders I will be prepared to GIVE every licensee their freehold - as long as everyone promises to say 'thank you' very politely.

I will then buy all the big international brewers (with some of the loose change from my newly found fortune) and GIVE beer to all pubs across this land for one year. Small independent and family brewers need not worry: I will honour all orders placed with them from pubs and pay the invoices for one year as well. This will set up the industry in a better position than it has ever been and everyone will live happily ever after. Oh, I will also pay the BBPA to go away and fund the setting up of a new, representative trade body that actually represents the trade.

Donkeys' years ago two friends of mine worked for Hackney Gazette and spent many hours running the most inflated headlines across their minds' eye to see what they could squeeze out of the dull 'nothing ever happens in Hackney' reality. Their proudest headline moment, in massive letters across the WHOLE of the front page was:

"POPE NOT TO VISIT HACKNEY!"